Elements and Maps

Air I am. Fire I am. Water I am. Earth I am. Spirit I am. If I can keep connected to this I can stay grounded.  The last few days have been difficult because I have been physically ill and the weather has begun to reflect that it is actually February which means I have been a bit on the depressed side.  I am desperately trying to keep a balance which of course means I am never still.  I am trying to keep a balance NOT hit a still-point.  Though a still-point would be lovely for a moment.  This weekend I am off the WSCA which is a professional conference, I have been invited to present on two performance panels and as much as I am excited,  I am anxious.  I realized as I was lying here in the dark for several nights mediating on what I want to perform that I haven't actually done a memorized performance probably since my undergraduate career. 
Memory has always been tricky for me, I think that is part of why I love improvisational performance so much, I can dip deeply into memory but I can be present in the moment too.  Memory is painful, challenging, befuddling, and beautiful.  I love that Alexander is beginning to recite his favorite storybooks as we read them together-- I want to commit beautiful words to memory but my head feels so full of every day distractions that I don't have any room.  I realize that this is probably not even remotely true but it is how I feel.  I suspect it has more to do with concentration and committment than with skill.  Anyway, I am going to participate in a panel on Ritual as Community and a panel about Artifacts and Identity.  I am beginning to think of myself as a Storyteller and a Ritualist, those two qualities seem to be bubbling up as a rich part of my identity, that I have not claimed before.   It is time. 
 Next month I am scheduled to attend the AAR annual regional meeting in Whitter Ca... I am supposed to Chair a panel, I should be excited but mostly I feel like a fraud.   What am I doing?  I am trying to figure out what I want to research, commit my academic energy to and I just keep falling deeper and deeper into the void... last week, on a whim, I was considering apply for a Women Studies position because it was in the same town that my father lives in.  I had a whole text conversation with him about it.  Asking questions like "is there a Waldorf School in town" and so on and so forth... and than I froze.  I can't imagine actually leaving behind my friends and my current job, I am not sure if that is a good thing or not.  I worked really, really hard to get to where I am and at the same time I am standing somewhere in the middle of the mountain, which means I haven't a clue where I am... I like to think I am wandering rather than lost.  Wandering....without a map.

A reminder

I started a blog so I could describe my crazy wonderful entertaining and difficult life... now if I could just find the time to write... My little guy has a cold, my goddess son has poison oak, I am behind in all my classes though I did manage to grade a few exams this weekend.  We went to the 'rent's house to watch the Chinese New Year parade on TV -- a family tradition that I married into.  Turns out that the parade isn't until next weekend... It was a lovely evening though.  We gathered and celebrated our beloved Patrick who would have been 27 this year.  The family imagined that he-- if he were alive would be traveling the globe as a chef, an extreme chef.  It was fun to dream about.  As I sit here in a stolen moment housebound because my small one is sniffling, I want to remind us all regardless of what your faith, spiritual path or journey love yourself and love those around you because you just never know, when our time together might come to a close in this realm.  Let us love with our Heart, Mind, Body and Spirit.  Remember that it is all transient, maybe undecided, maybe a bigger plan... today, set your anger aside and love, simply love. 

What's next?

Maybe it is because I have a two and a half year old.  Maybe it is because I pushed so hard for so many years.  The last two semesters have been like climbing uphill for a really long time with no end in sight.  I just can't seem to find the energy or excitement to make things happen beyond just getting by.  I know I need to find something to be passionate about again but mostly I want to rest.  Really rest.  Not have to think too much about the complicated issues that are sprinkled through my academic life.  Of course I want to keep students engaged and inspired but at the moment... something primal is lacking.  The question of what's next is looming on the horizon of my psyche.  What's next? What do I have to offer the Blog-sphere?  I live between SO many worlds, I rarely feel truly rooted in one anymore.  Plus I am teaching Organizational Communication, truly I am not so fond of the topic and it is a struggle to find the places that give me pleasure in teaching that particular course.  It really is the only course that I have a hard time finding something inspiring about... I guess I need to work on that.  I miss having a deep connection to earth, I miss gardening and I am definitely not dancing enough... I have been doing some very fancy cooking and baking that is great fun, doing the dishes... not so much!

And, so the semester begins.  Chaos, the wave of exhaustion from the anxiety of meeting 125 or so people in the course of two days.  The intensity of beginning to cultivate the ground in order to grow a creative, healthy, and academically engaging classroom environment quickly always leaves me wiped out.  The change in our family schedule impacts both HWIA(He Who is Adored) and my son. New child care expectations, new routines to be established.  It is an exciting time, full of possibilities for success, re dedication to my own and others learning.  I like beginnings.

Ahhh, my son, (who is meticulously unscrewing the cap off of the Liquid Paper as I sit typing this).