Air I am. Fire I am. Water I am. Earth I am. Spirit I am. If I can keep connected to this I can stay grounded. The last few days have been difficult because I have been physically ill and the weather has begun to reflect that it is actually February which means I have been a bit on the depressed side. I am desperately trying to keep a balance which of course means I am never still. I am trying to keep a balance NOT hit a still-point. Though a still-point would be lovely for a moment. This weekend I am off the WSCA which is a professional conference, I have been invited to present on two performance panels and as much as I am excited, I am anxious. I realized as I was lying here in the dark for several nights mediating on what I want to perform that I haven't actually done a memorized performance probably since my undergraduate career.
Memory has always been tricky for me, I think that is part of why I love improvisational performance so much, I can dip deeply into memory but I can be present in the moment too. Memory is painful, challenging, befuddling, and beautiful. I love that Alexander is beginning to recite his favorite storybooks as we read them together-- I want to commit beautiful words to memory but my head feels so full of every day distractions that I don't have any room. I realize that this is probably not even remotely true but it is how I feel. I suspect it has more to do with concentration and committment than with skill. Anyway, I am going to participate in a panel on Ritual as Community and a panel about Artifacts and Identity. I am beginning to think of myself as a Storyteller and a Ritualist, those two qualities seem to be bubbling up as a rich part of my identity, that I have not claimed before. It is time.
Next month I am scheduled to attend the AAR annual regional meeting in Whitter Ca... I am supposed to Chair a panel, I should be excited but mostly I feel like a fraud. What am I doing? I am trying to figure out what I want to research, commit my academic energy to and I just keep falling deeper and deeper into the void... last week, on a whim, I was considering apply for a Women Studies position because it was in the same town that my father lives in. I had a whole text conversation with him about it. Asking questions like "is there a Waldorf School in town" and so on and so forth... and than I froze. I can't imagine actually leaving behind my friends and my current job, I am not sure if that is a good thing or not. I worked really, really hard to get to where I am and at the same time I am standing somewhere in the middle of the mountain, which means I haven't a clue where I am... I like to think I am wandering rather than lost. Wandering....without a map.