Wednesday, March 28, 2012

An observation of rhythums

As a pagan noticing the changing of the seasons is a crucial act of my spiritual meditation.  Simply noticing of the leaves turning colors or the subtle and sometimes abrupt change in the weather.  The blossoming green all around me.  The light and shadow of my days reflect the passage of time.  These things ground me in my steady belief that our lives continue.  Generations are born, live and die.  The cycles return again and again even though the fabric of my every day life might change drastically from year to year. 
As an academic I follow the beginnings and endings through “school time” September to May and the rest of summer.  I anticipate an introduction to new students each year and a renewed curiosity with those who I have committed to mentor. Finally, after four years the rite of graduation arrives, a sort of pushing out of the nest.
As a wife and mother… I am learning to follow a daily rhythm.  Our little guy needs it and so do I.  This is not an intuitive place for me.  I have always sort of allowed the days to unfold without much internal structure—it has worked for many years.  Now however, I am not simply tending my own fire, my own creativity.  Now I am fostering another fire and it is quite challenging.  
 So often these three “rhythms” run contrary to one another.

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

When then shall I write?

At least four times today I wanted to stop, sit down and write a little note.   Notes that said: I am so happy to see you, I am so glad you shared your news with me, I am so grateful we connected, I wish we had more time to collaborate, I appreciate the hard work you are doing.  I carefully crafted each note in my mind as I was madly rushing to the next meeting, class, commitment.  I am now home, and  it is somewhere close to midnight.   I just want to go to sleep.  So I have to ask myself, when shall I write?   If I can't even churn out a few notes of gratitude, how on earth am I going to settle on a good research and writing project?  My life is rich with teaching and learning moments, I feel like I am doing reasonably well in my administrative duties and I am keeping a float with my Connections Project expectations but I long for deep relational connection.  I want to slow the time in my classroom down and cultivate luminal time.  The days seem to go by so quickly and before I know it the relationships are feeling the strain. 

Monday, June 6, 2011

I don't wanna

I am facing the fact that I simply did not get the organizational gene and I am a pack rat.  This is a deadly combination for a small house with three very creative and space desiring individuals.  My sweetie was organized when I met him... I think I took the wind out of his sails a bit... a few months in and by the time we were married he just let it go.  Such a sweet man in ohh, so many ways.  I don't want to sort through and get rid of stuff.  It drives me nuts when I realize how much money I have spend on "crap"  most of it just needlessly.  So, beginning to organize and get rid of crap feels like I am rubbing my face in it AND it can be liberating.  It is a lonely process though and I get so anxious that I will make a mistake.  I have been dipping into organizational books and trying to sort it all through but I just get overwhelmed and want to throw my hands up in the air,  way, way high in the air... Sigh, in fact I am probably writing this post in order to avoid getting rid of stuff... I don't wanna BUT I am gonna...

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Catch up

How crazy is my life?  I have had to contact a journal that I had a story published in-- with the hope that they might have a copy of my article.  I can't find it anywhere.  I suspect it got lost in the flood... along with a few other precious things.

I am laughing because I began this blog with the intention of reflecting on the intersections of my life and now four months later, I can sit down to write an entry... BECAUSE THE SEMESTER IS OVER!

Dear Goddess, I have got to find another formula for having a successful life.  The constant anxiety, the unrelenting fear of failure, the inability to pace myself is a deadly formula.  When will I ever be able to look in the mirror and be satisfied with she who looks back at me.  I have  Ph. D but I have no idea where my research should take me next... What do I want to discover, create, consider... yep, just drawing a blank... 

On the simple side, my son is close to being potty trained and preschool looms on his horizon.  We are supposed to be done breastfeeding before he can attend (according to his teacher) but I am pretty much going to let that one be.  I never imagined I was going to be one of the women who breastfed until the later years (by western cultural standards) but here I am.  My son shows no signs of stopping and quite frankly I am just not sure why it matters so much.  Occasionally, it drives me crazy to be on call but -- truly this is a finite amount of time and I don't want to spend it worrying about what other people think. 

The summer looks ripe and full of possibilities.  The zoo, MOCHA, Studio Grow, Discovery Museum, the Library... good stuff!  I am also hoping to calm the house down, sort through stuff, paint a few walls and create a haven for my little family so next academic year is not quite so brutal. 
We shall see and I will try to keep you more informed.  I might even begin to write some actual collide and transform my life.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Elements and Maps

Air I am. Fire I am. Water I am. Earth I am. Spirit I am. If I can keep connected to this I can stay grounded.  The last few days have been difficult because I have been physically ill and the weather has begun to reflect that it is actually February which means I have been a bit on the depressed side.  I am desperately trying to keep a balance which of course means I am never still.  I am trying to keep a balance NOT hit a still-point.  Though a still-point would be lovely for a moment.  This weekend I am off the WSCA which is a professional conference, I have been invited to present on two performance panels and as much as I am excited,  I am anxious.  I realized as I was lying here in the dark for several nights mediating on what I want to perform that I haven't actually done a memorized performance probably since my undergraduate career. 
Memory has always been tricky for me, I think that is part of why I love improvisational performance so much, I can dip deeply into memory but I can be present in the moment too.  Memory is painful, challenging, befuddling, and beautiful.  I love that Alexander is beginning to recite his favorite storybooks as we read them together-- I want to commit beautiful words to memory but my head feels so full of every day distractions that I don't have any room.  I realize that this is probably not even remotely true but it is how I feel.  I suspect it has more to do with concentration and committment than with skill.  Anyway, I am going to participate in a panel on Ritual as Community and a panel about Artifacts and Identity.  I am beginning to think of myself as a Storyteller and a Ritualist, those two qualities seem to be bubbling up as a rich part of my identity, that I have not claimed before.   It is time. 
 Next month I am scheduled to attend the AAR annual regional meeting in Whitter Ca... I am supposed to Chair a panel, I should be excited but mostly I feel like a fraud.   What am I doing?  I am trying to figure out what I want to research, commit my academic energy to and I just keep falling deeper and deeper into the void... last week, on a whim, I was considering apply for a Women Studies position because it was in the same town that my father lives in.  I had a whole text conversation with him about it.  Asking questions like "is there a Waldorf School in town" and so on and so forth... and than I froze.  I can't imagine actually leaving behind my friends and my current job, I am not sure if that is a good thing or not.  I worked really, really hard to get to where I am and at the same time I am standing somewhere in the middle of the mountain, which means I haven't a clue where I am... I like to think I am wandering rather than lost.  Wandering....without a map.

Monday, February 14, 2011

A reminder

I started a blog so I could describe my crazy wonderful entertaining and difficult life... now if I could just find the time to write... My little guy has a cold, my goddess son has poison oak, I am behind in all my classes though I did manage to grade a few exams this weekend.  We went to the 'rent's house to watch the Chinese New Year parade on TV -- a family tradition that I married into.  Turns out that the parade isn't until next weekend... It was a lovely evening though.  We gathered and celebrated our beloved Patrick who would have been 27 this year.  The family imagined that he-- if he were alive would be traveling the globe as a chef, an extreme chef.  It was fun to dream about.  As I sit here in a stolen moment housebound because my small one is sniffling, I want to remind us all regardless of what your faith, spiritual path or journey love yourself and love those around you because you just never know, when our time together might come to a close in this realm.  Let us love with our Heart, Mind, Body and Spirit.  Remember that it is all transient, maybe undecided, maybe a bigger plan... today, set your anger aside and love, simply love.