Air I am. Fire I am. Water I am. Earth I am. Spirit I am. If I can keep connected to this I can stay grounded. The last few days have been difficult because I have been physically ill and the weather has begun to reflect that it is actually February which means I have been a bit on the depressed side. I am desperately trying to keep a balance which of course means I am never still. I am trying to keep a balance NOT hit a still-point. Though a still-point would be lovely for a moment. This weekend I am off the WSCA which is a professional conference, I have been invited to present on two performance panels and as much as I am excited, I am anxious. I realized as I was lying here in the dark for several nights mediating on what I want to perform that I haven't actually done a memorized performance probably since my undergraduate career.
Memory has always been tricky for me, I think that is part of why I love improvisational performance so much, I can dip deeply into memory but I can be present in the moment too. Memory is painful, challenging, befuddling, and beautiful. I love that Alexander is beginning to recite his favorite storybooks as we read them together-- I want to commit beautiful words to memory but my head feels so full of every day distractions that I don't have any room. I realize that this is probably not even remotely true but it is how I feel. I suspect it has more to do with concentration and committment than with skill. Anyway, I am going to participate in a panel on Ritual as Community and a panel about Artifacts and Identity. I am beginning to think of myself as a Storyteller and a Ritualist, those two qualities seem to be bubbling up as a rich part of my identity, that I have not claimed before. It is time.
Next month I am scheduled to attend the AAR annual regional meeting in Whitter Ca... I am supposed to Chair a panel, I should be excited but mostly I feel like a fraud. What am I doing? I am trying to figure out what I want to research, commit my academic energy to and I just keep falling deeper and deeper into the void... last week, on a whim, I was considering apply for a Women Studies position because it was in the same town that my father lives in. I had a whole text conversation with him about it. Asking questions like "is there a Waldorf School in town" and so on and so forth... and than I froze. I can't imagine actually leaving behind my friends and my current job, I am not sure if that is a good thing or not. I worked really, really hard to get to where I am and at the same time I am standing somewhere in the middle of the mountain, which means I haven't a clue where I am... I like to think I am wandering rather than lost. Wandering....without a map.
Monday, February 14, 2011
I started a blog so I could describe my crazy wonderful entertaining and difficult life... now if I could just find the time to write... My little guy has a cold, my goddess son has poison oak, I am behind in all my classes though I did manage to grade a few exams this weekend. We went to the 'rent's house to watch the Chinese New Year parade on TV -- a family tradition that I married into. Turns out that the parade isn't until next weekend... It was a lovely evening though. We gathered and celebrated our beloved Patrick who would have been 27 this year. The family imagined that he-- if he were alive would be traveling the globe as a chef, an extreme chef. It was fun to dream about. As I sit here in a stolen moment housebound because my small one is sniffling, I want to remind us all regardless of what your faith, spiritual path or journey love yourself and love those around you because you just never know, when our time together might come to a close in this realm. Let us love with our Heart, Mind, Body and Spirit. Remember that it is all transient, maybe undecided, maybe a bigger plan... today, set your anger aside and love, simply love.